I want to write this essay on submission, and talk about how easy it comes, how wonderful it makes me feel… but in reality, I despise the word ”submission“. And it’s taken me like 3 weeks of thinking on this subject to even write this down, because I was struggling trying to find the right words, and I just don’t have them…

I submit, I surrender, and I am a slave.

But the words ”submission and submissive“ irritate me when I hear them. One of these days, I will be able to embrace these words with a warm fuzzy feeling instead of feeling disgust and hostility.  

But I am not quite there yet.

Maybe this was a part of my social conditioning, that submission is a sign of weakness, or a boring person who wasn’t interesting. Or that a submissive person is an ”easy mark“ and should be used and taken advantage of because they deserve it since they ”allow“ it.

Maybe these kind of idea’s are why I struggle with it, it’s getting rid of the last layers of self-protection that I still have intact from my child hood.

I know the fact that I can even admit that I ”submit“ to his will… is a step in the right direction. And it will probably continue to be a long journey. I feel the desire to be pleasing for him and to call myself a submissive woman, because I know this pleases him… but it still makes me grind my teeth a bit.

I have surrendered my life, my will, my choices over to him, but the active day-to-day submitting to him consciously, is more challenging for me. I suppose it will get easier, just as saying the words and identifying with them has started to get easier.

It is hard when you have conflicting emotions inside you. You want to please him, to actively submit to his demands, to obey without the inner struggle, or dialogue inside your mind telling you what all your options are before you make a choice to submit to him or not… even if you know you’re going to obey, your mind still logically goes through those steps before you react.

Knowing that he will make me submit to him, has gone a long ways for making the ”act“ of consciously submitting to him become more second nature to me and I struggle less with it than I used to… I don’t think nearly as much, or as long when it comes to simple things… although under pressure, or in strange environment I do notice I tend to freeze up and think before I can react.

I am going to explain it into three sections for now, for me. The easiest way I can currently explain it.

Submissive:

This may be a part of my personality. It may be my mannerisms and responses to some things. It may be how I react in an environment. To me, this is a personality "trait" and movements, the way you think/react to things.

Submitting:

The "act" of submitting to someone.. This is something I struggle with. I am stubborn, feisty, opinionated, and submitting to another is a struggle for me. (Than again, if it was easy for me, I probably wouldn't want to do it.)

Surrendering:

Surrendering to me is giving up my will and power completely to another. to allow them to form me, to mold me, to guide me... to force me to submit when I can't on my own, to trust them and their decisions, to know they have my best interest always in the front of my mind.